Let me set the scene: O’Malley’s Pub in Seattle, 2012. Thursday night metal trivia, which is exactly what it sounds like – a trivia night exclusively about metal, run by a former college radio DJ named Keith who sports a Testament backpatch that I’m pretty sure is older than some of the participants. The place smells like spilled beer and unearned confidence, and the crowd is the usual mix of aging metalheads, hipsters “ironically” getting into thrash, and a few younger folks who were perpetually born in the wrong decade.
I’m three beers deep when Keith announces the final round: “Controversial Opinions.” The task? Stand up, announce your most controversial metal take, and let the crowd’s reaction determine if you get points. Democracy at its finest.
The first few contestants play it safe-ish. “Metallica peaked with ‘Kill ‘Em All’” (scattered applause, a few boos). “Bruce Dickinson is overrated” (nearly starting a bar fight). “St. Anger isn’t that bad” (universal groaning).
Then it’s my turn. Maybe it was the beer, maybe it was my journalist’s compulsion to stir the pot, or maybe I was just tired of pretending. I stood up, grabbed the mic, and declared with full conviction:
“Warrant’s ‘Cherry Pie’ is actually a great album with legitimate musical merit, and most of you haven’t even listened to it all the way through.”
The silence that followed was like I’d just announced I kicked puppies for sport. Then came the boos – oh, the boos. A guy in a Slayer shirt made the universal “wanking” gesture. Someone shouted “POSER!” like it was still 1989. Keith, bless him, was laughing so hard he had to hold onto the bar to stay upright.
“You have two minutes to defend your position,” he said, wiping tears from his eyes. “This should be good.”
And so began the most ridiculous metal debate of my life – me, standing on a wobbly barstool, passionately defending one of hair metal’s most maligned albums to a roomful of people who considered Cannibal Corpse “a bit commercial.”
“First of all,” I began, “how many of you have actually listened to the entire album?” Three hands went up out of about forty people. “Exactly my point. You’re condemning something you haven’t even heard based on ONE song that the label pushed as a single.”
I was on a roll now, gesturing with my beer like a drunk professor. “Beyond the title track, there’s ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin,’ which is basically a Southern gothic murder ballad with genuinely impressive guitar work from Joey Allen and Erik Turner. There’s the power ballad ‘I Saw Red,’ which Jani Lane wrote about walking in on his girlfriend cheating on
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